Day 30: I am Thankful for Depression

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, 

as though something strange were happening to you."  1 Peter 4:12 ESV

Peter wrote his letter to young Christians experiencing persecution intense enough to cause them to be uprooted from their homes and displaced into another community.  He writes to encourage them that their sufferings will have the great result of making them holy.  Trials will purify them.  Trials will make them more like the Jesus they love. 

As an American, I have never really suffered for my faith, beyond a few snide comments thrown my way.  So, how does God purify me, here, in my day, in my community?  How does He make me holy?

Depression is suffering.  To those who have never suffered with mental illness, it can seem pitiful and pathetic, and I understand why.  But the fact is, one can be surrounded by luxury and be immersed in hell.  I really think it is one of the closest experiences to what hell will really be like for those who are cut off from Christ forever.  

And I am so super blessed to have suffered from depression.  

God has used my depression.  He has purified me.  He has made me more holy.  He has made me different.  He has made me more like Him.  Because I am more like Him, I can serve more like He serves.  I can be generous.  I can be merciful.  I can love others like He does.  

If it wasn't for my years of bondage, I wouldn't be starting on the path to study biblical counseling and psychology.  I am going to start working with YoungLife, loving on teenage mothers and blessing them as they make the "harder" choice.  

None of my current or future blessings would occur if I had not traveled dark paths.  

I can say that even though it would be awful, I would be willing to go through it again to see the blessing that God has on the other side.  If I ever go through depression again, I will know that He is again making me more holy.  

"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls 

to a faithful Creator while doing good."  1 Peter 4:19 ESV (emphasis added)

I love this song.  The verse, especially, summarizes all my thoughts toward depression: 

I am thankful for depression.  

My future is by no means done, but I am done, talking about depression, for now...

Day 29: I am Thankful for Love

I heard a message on the radio this afternoon discussing the wrath of God and the different forms it takes.  When we hear the term "wrath of God" we usually think of tornadoes, earthquakes, war and famine. But I truly believe there is a more common form of God's wrath towards sin.

"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done."  Romans 1:28 NIV

I also like the New Living Translation's phrasing:

"Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done."  

In other words:

"So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired."  Romans 1:24a NLT

God left them alone.  He stopped pursuing them.

As I have worked on my depression, I have found so much filth in my soul that needed to be cleaned out, sutured, and healed.  And He has been faithful to do this surgery on my heart.  But lets face it, demons aren't fun to deal with...it kinda sucks.  So, I had to be driven to do the work.  Pressed.  Forced.

The absolute most hateful thing He could have done would be to have placed me into a perfect stress-free life where my childhood, family, finances, health and emotions would have been unchallenged.  I would then have no need of Him.

God pursued me.  He allowed the depression because He loves me.  

Almost done....

Day 28: I am Thankful I am Such a Freak

My depression has been fluid.  It could flow from a non-emotional exhaustion to the slight sense that something was wrong with me.  In my dark days it could go from hearing voices that weren't very nice to a deep despair in which I just wanted to die.

It could be very dark.  It could be very isolating. 

While I was struggling I felt like a freak.  I only knew a handful of people who struggled with depression.  Then one day a sweet lady in our church gave her testimony of a mental break down that left her hospitalized.  Her story was such a blessing to me.  If I was going to be a freak, at least there was one other person who was a freak too.  

I didn't really get better until about 10 years later.  I, the crazy person, finally received real relief through some hard, emotional, and biblical counseling.  

Well, when you walk into marvelous light after decades of darkness, it is pretty hard to hide.  People at work commented that I was different and I just HAD to tell them why.  I told friends, good friends, of the struggles I was released from fighting.  Most heard for the first time that I even ever had a problem.  

As I began to talk, I began to hear.  Other people were just as freaky as me.  A LOT of other people.  I had no idea so many people, good people, lovely people, Christian people also dealt with depression.  

I found out that they also, had no idea that so many people were hurting in the same way.  It is comforting to know we're not alone. 

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

Two notes on this verse for today.  

1. "common to man" - Your depression, and the temptations that extend from it (suicide, cutting, bitterness, anger, apathy & lethargy), are not unusual.  The circumstances surrounding your depression will be unique, but the end results and emotions are not.  Find someone to share your burdens and temptations.  There is someone else out there struggling, too. 

2. "endure it" - The way of escape doesn't result in there not being a trial.  There's no need to "endure" something easy.  For 99% of us (surely an official statistic somewhere) there will be a time of continuing on while being tempted versus having the temptation completely removed.  We live in a fallen world and it affects us.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now. 

Day 27: I am Thankful for Victimization

Defense mechanisms.  I seen a few in people.  You've noticed them in others, too.

The negative auto-reflex I can't stand the most is the person who won't take responsibility for his or her own situation.  He blames everyone else.  She can't help the way she is.  This person is a victim.

When I see this person, I want to grab him by the shoulders a shake him.  Then give him a good slap or two for good measure.

Of course, the reason I have such a violent internal reaction to this character is because "I are one." (Must be spoken with Southern unlearned drawl.)  I spent years living this despicable nature out, though, since I'm an introvert most people wouldn't know it.

I can remember as a teen, blaming my parents for my depression.  After I got married, my husband was the more convenient target.  "If they would just..."  "If he would just..."  "If ______________ would just change his behavior then I would be happy, content, and at peace."  I wasn't even that good at passing blame to be honest.  Because I am so icy, I would not vocalize my emotions.  So they would simply stew into bitter with the occasional boil over into rage.

I didn't really recognize what I was doing, but I knew whatever I was doing, it wasn't working.  I was slowly getting sicker and sicker in the brain.

When I started counseling my blasted doctor would not let me sit and complain about my husband for an hour.  I would start up and he would divert, "Well, since we can't do anything to change him, lets see what God wants you to do..."  Then he would proceed to dig.

It took several turned corners before I finally figured out that my unhappiness had absolutely NOTHING to do with whether or not my hubby talked to me, at all times, like a soap-opera-over.  It was a sickness inside me.

I now experience joy that continues beyond the circumstances of my life.  I am not currently depressed and the weird thing is that negative circumstances haven't stopped.  These last couple of months, well, more like the last two years, I have had a child that I can't seem to keep healthy.  Watching him fight sickness after sickness is painful and exhausting.  The medical bills just for him, let alone the other 5 of us, seem overwhelming today. But I still feel joy.

Incidentally, it turns out that by working on me, I made myself much more pleasant to be around.  Naturally, a joyful, congenial wife creates a more joyful, congenial home.  Thus follows a happy husband who just happens to be getting good at soap-opera-lover talk.  (I didn't even ask...blush).

I'm not done...but I'm done for now.


[Bonus schpill: In my blame game, I had a very well thought out list that God needed to fix in my hubby.  But God has His own ideas.  While I was complaining about this or that, God was working on an entirely different level in my husband.  He didn't change what I wanted Him to change.  The Holy Spirit has His own agenda.  It is so much better than anything I can dream up!  This past week, I had the exquisite privilege to go on a trip, just the two of us.  We got to talk, finally, for the 1st time in a really long time.  My spouse had time to share his heart and it turns out it is quite amazing.  I wanted God to fix "A" and instead He fixed "B, G, K and Z."

We're so good at "knowing" what needs to be fixed in others, especially women with their husbands.  But it turns out I am not as wise as the Holy Spirit.  It was my big lesson this week and I thought I'd pass that info on to you.]

'Kay, no, really, I'm done for now.

Day 26: I am Thankful for Slumming

I can really and truly say that I have reached a healthy place mentally.  I am not depressed.  I am not wracked with anxiety.  I am no longer the bitter ball that I used to be.

And I have absolutely, without a doubt, no question about it made to this blessed state through my growing relationship with Jesus Christ.

When I first started writing about depression I didn't really have intentions to go as religious as my blogging has been.  But it turns out I can't talk about mental healing without the mention Him over and over and over.  My good (not perfect) place is so interwoven with the workings of the Holy Spirit that "healthy" and "Christ" cannot be separated.  

I know that He has brought me here.  And amazingly, this beautiful, a-little-more-cleaned up state is not where He met me.  When my depression started, I was already a Christian.  I had already given Him my heart.  But sin is in the world and sin still had root of infection in me.  

This verse so well describes my emotional circumstances for decades.  The bold lettering is my own added emphasis:

"It wasn't long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin.  You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live.  You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience.  We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat.  It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us.  Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us.  He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ.  He did all this on his own, with no help from us!  Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heavenly company with Jesus, our Messiah."  Ephesians 2:1-6 (MSG)

I have always been a rather reserved person.  I am outwardly unemotional.  But internally my life was completely overshadowed by the negative belief system I had embraced.  Negative emotions naturally followed.  

Jesus 1st met me right there, in my pain.  I was internally oily, twisted and tied in knots.  That quagmire is when He showed up.  He came down to where I was.  He cried with me when I was splotchy and snotty.  He has been with me every single step forward and every single stumble backwards.  

He came into my ugly.

Jesus is not waiting for you to get it together.  He is not withholding blessing of joy until you get your head on straight. The blessing is that He is with you in the muck, if you only ask Him to be.  He will take your filth upon Himself, if you will only allow Him.

"Surely He has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed Him stricken, 

smitten by God, and afflicted." 

Isaiah 53:4 (ESV)

This note is meant to be encouraging.  Yes, He has healed me but it has not been a quick and easy journey.  It has been the rocky path.  It is narrow and precarious but the Holy Spirit and His Word have been my light, keeping me from falling off (completely).  It has been over 20 years since the onset of my depression.  It has been excruciating at times, but it has been so worth it.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.  

Day 25: I am Thankful for Transformation

I have four sons.  So, the 1st bauble that pops into my noggin when I hear "trans-anything" is always going to be Transformers the toys, cartoons, movies, etc.

It's a robot! (Insert dub-step sound effect.)  No, it's a dinosaur!  It's an airplane.  It's a spider!

It takes 2 seconds on TV to change those robots around.  It takes a little bit longer in real life to flip the toys.  I'm not kidding either.  Some of those buggers require instructions and Google searches.  

Now, looking back, I can see that my own transformation from mentally decrepit to mental health has taken decades versus seconds.  There is no quick Google look up.  The change has been gradual.  There have been many backward steps, as well.  

"...but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,..."  Romans 12:2 (Partial) ESV

This verse used to frustrate me because I never could seem to do just that...renew my mind.

Second look, redo, this time we'll see the whole picture.

"Do not be transformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." 

Romans 12:2 (Complete) ESV

I was trying to change my depression on my own.  I was white knuckle, desperate, and angry as I tried to force myself better.  It didn't work.  The Bible says that the Holy Spirit is the one who sanctifies me, meaning, that He is the one who cleans me out.

For example: the Bible says that I am precious and loved of God, but I wasn't willing to accept that portion.

I am slowly learning to test how I think.  I honestly think quite a bit like the rest of the world that is not in submission to the God of the Universe.  So, to be completely practical, my prayer sounds like, "God, Your Word says that You made me according to Your will, "wonderfully."  I don't honestly believe I am anything but a screw-up.  But I know that Your Word is true so will you fix the way I think?  Change my thinking?  Put my thinking in alignment with what the Bible says is true."

I have just begun to pray this prayer just in the past month or so over any issue I know that I don't quite agree with in the Bible.  I talking about from social and political issues to those messed up thoughts I have that affect my moods negatively.  And, oh my goodness, He has answered so many times over.  I'll be driving and He will whisper, "Have you noticed this _________"  

Insert creepy "mind-blown" cartoon from Facebook.

I think differently than I did just a month ago.  Let alone 10 years ago.  He has been doing the hard work.  He has been so faithful.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old.  But I feel as if I'm just beginning this amazing journey.  I am just now discovering:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."   2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Yeah, I'm still not quite finished, but I'm done for now. 

Day 24: I am Thankful for Honesty

"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV

I put those words above in red for effect.  If they were in a "Red Letter" Bible, they would be red.  They were words that Jesus Himself spoke to the crowd.  

All my life, I have been known as a good girl.  I'm not a party-er.  I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  I never slept around.  I remember walking in on a co-workers in the break room.  I was 22 years old.  I heard enough to know that they were talking about sex.  One co-worker shushed the conversation, "We can't talk about that around her, she's a virgin."  If I could have raised one eye-brow, I would have.  (I wanna be able to do that so bad.) I pointed at my 6-months-pregnant belly.  My co-worker laughed and said, "Girl, I don't care.  You STILL a virgin."

So, I looked good.  But what is on the inside is not always reflected on the outside.  Because believe me: Ain't nuthin' can destroy everything and everyone around it like bitter can.

In my early twenties, I went to see a professional counselor.  I know that on TV the counselor's job is to make you feel all warm & fuzzy, but that's not what my counselor did.  I went to see a biblical counselor.  She kept digging and digging into me until I came to the realization that I was actually rather un-trusting and unforgiving...bitter.  I came to understand for the 1st time that my heart was, at its core, evil.  Worldly wisdom would have me think that knowing this truth about myself would lead me towards a greater depression and make me even more self-destructive.  But the opposite was actually the case.

I now saw the truth.  I now understood that I needed forgiveness.  I now understood that I had no right to withhold from others what I so desperately needed from my God.  And He extended that forgiveness towards me.  By admitting I was evil, bad, sick and twisted, I felt clean.

"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,

and in sin did my mother conceive me. 

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, 

and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. 

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:5-7 ESV

As my eyes were opened to my own wickedness I was able to see the air of self-righteousness that ran as a thread through my family.  It was so freeing to admit that I was flawed.  I didn't have to pretend to be perfect anymore.  I got better with my depression...for a while.

It did come back.  Why?  That 1st step towards personal honesty was just that.  A step.  There is layer after layer of hurt, pain, wall, and sickness in my soul.  My depression returned in earnest about 10 years later and I found myself in the counselor's office again.

Internally, without much conscience, I had figured out a way to protect my heart.  It is sick & twisted (my way always is) but I had decided that I didn't want anyone to tell me how much I sucked.  I figured out that if I ever felt good, someone might come and tell me how awful I was...which would make me feel bad...really, really bad.  So I learned to STAY feeling bad already.  Then when I made a mistake, or did not parent well, or did not keep my house as clean as everyone else did, or wasn't as pretty as all the other mothers at church I wouldn't feel that drop.  It is like, if I was already a wreck then I wouldn't feel the impact as much when there was an emotional crash.

I had a tough time admitting this ruse to myself.  I mean, read that last paragraph again.  It is chock full of whack thinking.  It took a year of hard work for me to admit how MUCH the self-hatred habit had taken root.  I knew it would be messy to deal with.  There would be tears.  There would be snot.  My nose was going to swell up, turn red and shiny.  (I know of no one else whose nose turns super shiny when they cry.  It's like Rudolph.)  I don't cry pretty.

But I had to face that demon.  I had to be honest with it.  I had to be honest with myself.

This was my breakthrough.  I learned so much.  When I am depressed, anxious or overly stressed, I have learned to be honest and face that sin in my heart, the evil, that is creating my negative mood.  And I have found it to be sin.  Every time.

I am an evil girl at heart.

I am reminded of the woman who could not stop bleeding.  Basically, she was on a period that didn't stop for years.  She pressed so hard through the crowd around Jesus that she ended up crawling on the ground.  She merely touched the hem of His robe.  And she was instantly different.  She knew she was different.  Jesus knew something was different, too.  In the middle of a pressing crowd of people, Jesus stops, and asked, "Who touched me?"

"And He looked around to see who had done it.  But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth.  And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease'."  Mark 5:32-34 ESV (Emphasis added)

I'm think I'm almost done...hitting the home stretch...but I'm not done yet.