Day 26: I am Thankful for Slumming

I can really and truly say that I have reached a healthy place mentally.  I am not depressed.  I am not wracked with anxiety.  I am no longer the bitter ball that I used to be.

And I have absolutely, without a doubt, no question about it made to this blessed state through my growing relationship with Jesus Christ.

When I first started writing about depression I didn't really have intentions to go as religious as my blogging has been.  But it turns out I can't talk about mental healing without the mention Him over and over and over.  My good (not perfect) place is so interwoven with the workings of the Holy Spirit that "healthy" and "Christ" cannot be separated.  

I know that He has brought me here.  And amazingly, this beautiful, a-little-more-cleaned up state is not where He met me.  When my depression started, I was already a Christian.  I had already given Him my heart.  But sin is in the world and sin still had root of infection in me.  

This verse so well describes my emotional circumstances for decades.  The bold lettering is my own added emphasis:

"It wasn't long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin.  You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live.  You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience.  We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat.  It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us.  Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us.  He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ.  He did all this on his own, with no help from us!  Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heavenly company with Jesus, our Messiah."  Ephesians 2:1-6 (MSG)

I have always been a rather reserved person.  I am outwardly unemotional.  But internally my life was completely overshadowed by the negative belief system I had embraced.  Negative emotions naturally followed.  

Jesus 1st met me right there, in my pain.  I was internally oily, twisted and tied in knots.  That quagmire is when He showed up.  He came down to where I was.  He cried with me when I was splotchy and snotty.  He has been with me every single step forward and every single stumble backwards.  

He came into my ugly.

Jesus is not waiting for you to get it together.  He is not withholding blessing of joy until you get your head on straight. The blessing is that He is with you in the muck, if you only ask Him to be.  He will take your filth upon Himself, if you will only allow Him.

"Surely He has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed Him stricken, 

smitten by God, and afflicted." 

Isaiah 53:4 (ESV)

This note is meant to be encouraging.  Yes, He has healed me but it has not been a quick and easy journey.  It has been the rocky path.  It is narrow and precarious but the Holy Spirit and His Word have been my light, keeping me from falling off (completely).  It has been over 20 years since the onset of my depression.  It has been excruciating at times, but it has been so worth it.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.  

Day 25: I am Thankful for Transformation

I have four sons.  So, the 1st bauble that pops into my noggin when I hear "trans-anything" is always going to be Transformers the toys, cartoons, movies, etc.

It's a robot! (Insert dub-step sound effect.)  No, it's a dinosaur!  It's an airplane.  It's a spider!

It takes 2 seconds on TV to change those robots around.  It takes a little bit longer in real life to flip the toys.  I'm not kidding either.  Some of those buggers require instructions and Google searches.  

Now, looking back, I can see that my own transformation from mentally decrepit to mental health has taken decades versus seconds.  There is no quick Google look up.  The change has been gradual.  There have been many backward steps, as well.  

"...but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,..."  Romans 12:2 (Partial) ESV

This verse used to frustrate me because I never could seem to do just that...renew my mind.

Second look, redo, this time we'll see the whole picture.

"Do not be transformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." 

Romans 12:2 (Complete) ESV

I was trying to change my depression on my own.  I was white knuckle, desperate, and angry as I tried to force myself better.  It didn't work.  The Bible says that the Holy Spirit is the one who sanctifies me, meaning, that He is the one who cleans me out.

For example: the Bible says that I am precious and loved of God, but I wasn't willing to accept that portion.

I am slowly learning to test how I think.  I honestly think quite a bit like the rest of the world that is not in submission to the God of the Universe.  So, to be completely practical, my prayer sounds like, "God, Your Word says that You made me according to Your will, "wonderfully."  I don't honestly believe I am anything but a screw-up.  But I know that Your Word is true so will you fix the way I think?  Change my thinking?  Put my thinking in alignment with what the Bible says is true."

I have just begun to pray this prayer just in the past month or so over any issue I know that I don't quite agree with in the Bible.  I talking about from social and political issues to those messed up thoughts I have that affect my moods negatively.  And, oh my goodness, He has answered so many times over.  I'll be driving and He will whisper, "Have you noticed this _________"  

Insert creepy "mind-blown" cartoon from Facebook.

I think differently than I did just a month ago.  Let alone 10 years ago.  He has been doing the hard work.  He has been so faithful.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old.  But I feel as if I'm just beginning this amazing journey.  I am just now discovering:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."   2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Yeah, I'm still not quite finished, but I'm done for now. 

Day 24: I am Thankful for Honesty

"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV

I put those words above in red for effect.  If they were in a "Red Letter" Bible, they would be red.  They were words that Jesus Himself spoke to the crowd.  

All my life, I have been known as a good girl.  I'm not a party-er.  I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  I never slept around.  I remember walking in on a co-workers in the break room.  I was 22 years old.  I heard enough to know that they were talking about sex.  One co-worker shushed the conversation, "We can't talk about that around her, she's a virgin."  If I could have raised one eye-brow, I would have.  (I wanna be able to do that so bad.) I pointed at my 6-months-pregnant belly.  My co-worker laughed and said, "Girl, I don't care.  You STILL a virgin."

So, I looked good.  But what is on the inside is not always reflected on the outside.  Because believe me: Ain't nuthin' can destroy everything and everyone around it like bitter can.

In my early twenties, I went to see a professional counselor.  I know that on TV the counselor's job is to make you feel all warm & fuzzy, but that's not what my counselor did.  I went to see a biblical counselor.  She kept digging and digging into me until I came to the realization that I was actually rather un-trusting and unforgiving...bitter.  I came to understand for the 1st time that my heart was, at its core, evil.  Worldly wisdom would have me think that knowing this truth about myself would lead me towards a greater depression and make me even more self-destructive.  But the opposite was actually the case.

I now saw the truth.  I now understood that I needed forgiveness.  I now understood that I had no right to withhold from others what I so desperately needed from my God.  And He extended that forgiveness towards me.  By admitting I was evil, bad, sick and twisted, I felt clean.

"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,

and in sin did my mother conceive me. 

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, 

and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. 

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:5-7 ESV

As my eyes were opened to my own wickedness I was able to see the air of self-righteousness that ran as a thread through my family.  It was so freeing to admit that I was flawed.  I didn't have to pretend to be perfect anymore.  I got better with my depression...for a while.

It did come back.  Why?  That 1st step towards personal honesty was just that.  A step.  There is layer after layer of hurt, pain, wall, and sickness in my soul.  My depression returned in earnest about 10 years later and I found myself in the counselor's office again.

Internally, without much conscience, I had figured out a way to protect my heart.  It is sick & twisted (my way always is) but I had decided that I didn't want anyone to tell me how much I sucked.  I figured out that if I ever felt good, someone might come and tell me how awful I was...which would make me feel bad...really, really bad.  So I learned to STAY feeling bad already.  Then when I made a mistake, or did not parent well, or did not keep my house as clean as everyone else did, or wasn't as pretty as all the other mothers at church I wouldn't feel that drop.  It is like, if I was already a wreck then I wouldn't feel the impact as much when there was an emotional crash.

I had a tough time admitting this ruse to myself.  I mean, read that last paragraph again.  It is chock full of whack thinking.  It took a year of hard work for me to admit how MUCH the self-hatred habit had taken root.  I knew it would be messy to deal with.  There would be tears.  There would be snot.  My nose was going to swell up, turn red and shiny.  (I know of no one else whose nose turns super shiny when they cry.  It's like Rudolph.)  I don't cry pretty.

But I had to face that demon.  I had to be honest with it.  I had to be honest with myself.

This was my breakthrough.  I learned so much.  When I am depressed, anxious or overly stressed, I have learned to be honest and face that sin in my heart, the evil, that is creating my negative mood.  And I have found it to be sin.  Every time.

I am an evil girl at heart.

I am reminded of the woman who could not stop bleeding.  Basically, she was on a period that didn't stop for years.  She pressed so hard through the crowd around Jesus that she ended up crawling on the ground.  She merely touched the hem of His robe.  And she was instantly different.  She knew she was different.  Jesus knew something was different, too.  In the middle of a pressing crowd of people, Jesus stops, and asked, "Who touched me?"

"And He looked around to see who had done it.  But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth.  And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease'."  Mark 5:32-34 ESV (Emphasis added)

I'm think I'm almost done...hitting the home stretch...but I'm not done yet.

Day 23: I am Thankful for Comfort

Comfort.  When I picture comfort I picture fleece pajamas and flannel sheets.  I picture a warm hug.  I picture hot coffee and chocolate chip cookies.  I imagine "sleeping in" until a ridiculous hour.   

I certainly don't picture struggle, pain, hardship, poverty,...depression.

But it was pointed out to me recently that the root word for "comfort" does not quite have the same definition that we think of today.  I looked it up and sure enough, they were correct.  (See "Comfort" at Dictionary.com).  The word "comfort" originally meant, "to strengthen much." This root word is even used in the Vulgate.  The Latin Vulgate an ancient translation of the Bible.  It is still used as a tool by Bible translators, today.

In Western culture, where we've had very little true suffering, we have kind of made a god of comfort.  To be honest, most of us do not want the million(s) dollar mansion with the luxury Hummer while jewels decorate each appendage.  When I, for one, see some of that overabundance on TV it makes me a little sick at my stomach.  I don't want all that excess.  I just want to be comfortable.  I want to pay my bills, buy healthy groceries, drive an in-good-condition older car, dress my kids in Old Navy and Target and not hyperventilate when I see the college fund Orthodontist would like to drain.  Am I right?  

But this older, and I truly believe more accurate, definition of comfort gives a new spin to:

"And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever;" John 14:16 KJV

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."  John 14:18 KJV

I thought the point was that when I faced troubles I would be wrapped in a spiritual blanket so I could feel all better? Guess not?  Nope.

My typical reaction to pain is to avoid it at all costs.  But I think I need a shift in attitude.

When my day is dark and my depression is heavy I need to stop and say, "I am going to ride this out.  I am going to accept the comfort (strengthening) of the Holy Spirit in my circumstance.  I am going to see how I can glorify God while depressed, today."

Perhaps I can comfort or "strengthen much" someone else?

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.  Our hope is for you to be unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings,  you will also share in our comfort."  2 Corinthians 1:3-7 ESV

I'm still not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 22: I am Thankful for Failure

Here's a surprise: I am not perfect.  I'm not even close.  I mess up.  A lot.  


I recently, violated my conscience in a pretty big way.  And it was one of those choices that I couldn't really turn back from.  I just didn't know what to do. Not that anyone would even know, but I know & I've felt so guilty.  I've been sick at my stomach.    


So, I did my own little trick.  I started bargaining.  I started trying to figure out what I could do to cancel out my debt.  I could give money to charity.  I could find a way to volunteer.  After all, it is something I've been wanting to do but been unable due to the fact that I feel so very overwhelmed already.  I mean, I still have two kids in diapers (kind of...the 3-year-old still needs pull-ups at night & when we leave the house). I could find a random homeless person and give them my coat, etc. 


This bargaining may not sound like a big deal, but with my history of mental illness, it really can be.  There's another lie I bought.  "I must be GOOD."  If I'm not good, I have to make up for not being good.  There are these giant scales and if I have to make sure that I fill up the good side.  I have to earn the right to be happy, blessed, and loved by God.


Except, that thinking's not Bible, it's Karma...Hinduism or Buddhism.  


Insert relevant Bible verses (these may be lengthy, but they're good.  Try reading them out loud. I find it helps me understand sometimes "hard to understand" Paul):

"For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows how sinful we are.  But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago.  We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ.  And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.  For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.  Yet God, with undeserved kindness (a.k.a. "grace") declare that we are righteous.  He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins."  Romans 3:20-24 NLT (Emphasis added)

And

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast."  Ephesians 2:4-9 NIV

Summary of inserted Bible verses: I can't earn God's love or His favor.  Because He already gave it to me.  I have trust Him in salvation.  What I need to learn to do is trust Him for my sanctification.  (Big word that basically means the slow day-to-day changing of my heart from icky to gee-orgeous.) 


With every other religion out there a person has to forcibly change his or her behavior to earn the favor of whatever higher power there may be, from Allah to Karma.  With my religion, I absolutely cannot earn God's favor.  He just loves messed up me, and, if I'll except it, He'll simply give me His favor.  A gift.  A gift.  It is a gift.  

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV

That "worldly sorrow" is the dredges of condemnation.  It is the voice that can't believe how stupid I've been.  It is the voice that wonders what the hell is wrong with me.  It is the voice that says I'll never measure up or be good enough.  It is the voice that has literally driven me to madness.


I've experienced "godly sorrow" too.  It is the knowledge that I need Him.  It is what drives me to my knees and in His arms.  After which, I get up feeling clean and strong because I am loved by the God of the universe.  When I've had a good repentance session with him, I am a powerhouse.


I have to remember, "For the letter (rules for the sake of earning His favor) kills, but the Spirit gives life."  Oh, that I would remember!  It would make my brain hurt less.


I'm not quite done yet, but I'm done for today.  

Day 21: I am Thankful for Inspiration

For the past few weeks I have struggled to find anything to say about depression.  It is like my brain just dried up.  Nothing is there where ideas usually fly at me so fast I can hardly keep up.  What happened?

1. It's depression.  There are waves that come when my motivation to do ANYTHING, including write, just ends.  It is the nature of this mean ol' beast.  I put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing on my list, but I have lost some of the enjoyment.  It has by no means been the worst spell I've had.  Not much crying.  I haven't even really been aware that I was in a funk until yesterday.  But, I know that if I swing backwards the rope will grow taunt and I will soon swing forwards.  

2. I've honestly been pretty busy with family issues.  My husband has faced some illness.  My kids have had colds.  Money is tight because there are so many of us in this adorable little house.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all, it's reassureing to step back and look at my life and say, "Yeah, a lot has been going on & you're not crazy for struggling a little bit." 

3. The main reason I believe I haven't been inspired AND that I have struggled is because I have failed to immerse myself in inspiration.  I haven't been to my Bible study class and even though the lessons are available online I haven't worked them.  I haven't been listening to the music that uplifts me.  I haven't been reading.  I haven't been watching my one Christian TV show I like (and it's only one show so I'm not turning into my Grandma or my mom because I'm not watching TBN 24-7, right?  Please?).  I have missed church and even when I have gone I've been so late that I'm just feeling the "whew" of getting there & I'm not actually present for the service.  

I have not been in His presence in a while.  His creative presence.  My fault.  

Spend some time studying.  If you're a Believer, spend some time studying something biblical.  Either through church or a book at the bookstore.  If you don't know where to start, ask a friend or go to the web.  The New Life Ministries: Store has some amazing studies.  I've read through a couple of their books.  

Usually when I study something, I don't feel a rush of creativity.  Little seeds are planted that my brain mulls over for the rest of the day.  Later as I lay in bed at night or I'm having a rare quiet moment driving around town, that seed blows up into a full-blown magical idea -or- a practical "how-to" that I'm able to put to type and tell the world.  (See: Day 20 Part 1: I am Thankful for Football)

I've found that getting my thinking juices going gets my emotional juices flowing.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now. 

Day 20 part 2: I am Thankful for Gain

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21 (NIV)

In part one of "Day 20" I talked about living.  Today I'm talking about dying.  

I am someone who has had depression.  I am someone who believes in Jesus.  Therefore, death has always had a certain appeal to me.  Now, I know that I've gone to unhealthy levels with my longing for heaven, but at the same time, there IS a part of all believers that longs for our ultimate home.  

First and foremost...I get to be with HIM.  

I can physically be in His direct presence forever.  I will never have to leave, ever, ever, ever.  

I can remember as a child when I felt God's presence for the first time.  I felt perfect peace.  I felt perfect strength.  I felt perfect joy.  There was a wonderful delight to know I wasn't alone.  I knew that being with Him was exactly what I was made to do.  I was fulfilling my purpose.  I had tasted who He was and I have sought to fill my belly with His presence ever since. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; 

blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8

When battling depression, those moments of His presence were often harder to find.  There were times I absolutely couldn't find Him.  The lies I was believing about myself and the world were screaming so loud I did not have the ability to see Him there.  But I had tasted.  And I knew exactly who I was trying to get back to.  

(If you have never experienced what it is like to be with God, I urge you to find out.  You don't have to go to church, either.  Go to your bedroom.  Talk to Him.  You may feel like you don't deserve His loving favor, but He likes to give it anyways.)

Secondly, I will see beautiful things.  Like Pinterest, but better.  

I don't picture heaven as this boring place where I float on white fluffy clouds covered in my white fluffy robe playing on my white fluffy harp and wearing my white fluffy halo.  I am going to live with the same God who created the Appalachian fall.  I am going to live with the same God who created the Caribbean ocean.  I am going to live with the same God who created the variety that is human beings.  

I live in Alaska.  I see majesty daily.  But with Him, I'll get to see His creation, without the sting of sin on it.  When sin entered the world, it touched everything.  Sin fractured everything.  Struck by the awe of the Grand Canyon?  We should see what would have happened before sin touched the earth.  This monument is a fraction of what it was meant to be.  And when I am with Him, I will get to see the way it was meant to be.  Wow.  

A third detail I look forward to, is having eternity.

I shall now attempt to blow your mind...

We've often heard how God has a plan for the future.  He knows what is coming into your life.  He has a plan for you.  How does He know?  Because He can see past and future as if it were present.  How does He see it?  Because time is just another part of His creation.  It is like the tree in your yard or the eyeball that helps you read.  It sounds crazy to our brain that has never experienced a lack of time.  But think about it, within the last century, scientist have just begun to scratch the surface on the study of time.  We now have the fields of Theoretical Physics and Quantum Physics.  Now there are the household names of Einstein and Hawking.  (Also, Sheldon and Dr. Sam Beckett, but I digress.)

God is outside time.  The Hebrew word for God means that "He is."  When they say that He is eternal, they don't just mean never ending, the also mean never beginning.  He is OUR beginning and he is OUR end.

He IS the creator and I don't believe He will ever stop creating.  He is creating all over this world through us. He creates through me.  He continues to create through you.  And when I step into eternity with Him, I will finally not have time breathing down my neck.  I am infinitesimally slow and there it won't matter.  I can perfect whatever story I'm writing to the dot and tiddle.  I will be able to write a drama performance without the next chore on my to do list hassling me.  I can create with Him.  

To be honest, my thoughts on this subject are a bit futile.  Because the Bible says I can't even begin to imagine how good it will really be.