Day 28: I am Thankful I am Such a Freak

My depression has been fluid.  It could flow from a non-emotional exhaustion to the slight sense that something was wrong with me.  In my dark days it could go from hearing voices that weren't very nice to a deep despair in which I just wanted to die.

It could be very dark.  It could be very isolating. 

While I was struggling I felt like a freak.  I only knew a handful of people who struggled with depression.  Then one day a sweet lady in our church gave her testimony of a mental break down that left her hospitalized.  Her story was such a blessing to me.  If I was going to be a freak, at least there was one other person who was a freak too.  

I didn't really get better until about 10 years later.  I, the crazy person, finally received real relief through some hard, emotional, and biblical counseling.  

Well, when you walk into marvelous light after decades of darkness, it is pretty hard to hide.  People at work commented that I was different and I just HAD to tell them why.  I told friends, good friends, of the struggles I was released from fighting.  Most heard for the first time that I even ever had a problem.  

As I began to talk, I began to hear.  Other people were just as freaky as me.  A LOT of other people.  I had no idea so many people, good people, lovely people, Christian people also dealt with depression.  

I found out that they also, had no idea that so many people were hurting in the same way.  It is comforting to know we're not alone. 

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

Two notes on this verse for today.  

1. "common to man" - Your depression, and the temptations that extend from it (suicide, cutting, bitterness, anger, apathy & lethargy), are not unusual.  The circumstances surrounding your depression will be unique, but the end results and emotions are not.  Find someone to share your burdens and temptations.  There is someone else out there struggling, too. 

2. "endure it" - The way of escape doesn't result in there not being a trial.  There's no need to "endure" something easy.  For 99% of us (surely an official statistic somewhere) there will be a time of continuing on while being tempted versus having the temptation completely removed.  We live in a fallen world and it affects us.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now. 

Day 27: I am Thankful for Victimization

Defense mechanisms.  I seen a few in people.  You've noticed them in others, too.

The negative auto-reflex I can't stand the most is the person who won't take responsibility for his or her own situation.  He blames everyone else.  She can't help the way she is.  This person is a victim.

When I see this person, I want to grab him by the shoulders a shake him.  Then give him a good slap or two for good measure.

Of course, the reason I have such a violent internal reaction to this character is because "I are one." (Must be spoken with Southern unlearned drawl.)  I spent years living this despicable nature out, though, since I'm an introvert most people wouldn't know it.

I can remember as a teen, blaming my parents for my depression.  After I got married, my husband was the more convenient target.  "If they would just..."  "If he would just..."  "If ______________ would just change his behavior then I would be happy, content, and at peace."  I wasn't even that good at passing blame to be honest.  Because I am so icy, I would not vocalize my emotions.  So they would simply stew into bitter with the occasional boil over into rage.

I didn't really recognize what I was doing, but I knew whatever I was doing, it wasn't working.  I was slowly getting sicker and sicker in the brain.

When I started counseling my blasted doctor would not let me sit and complain about my husband for an hour.  I would start up and he would divert, "Well, since we can't do anything to change him, lets see what God wants you to do..."  Then he would proceed to dig.

It took several turned corners before I finally figured out that my unhappiness had absolutely NOTHING to do with whether or not my hubby talked to me, at all times, like a soap-opera-over.  It was a sickness inside me.

I now experience joy that continues beyond the circumstances of my life.  I am not currently depressed and the weird thing is that negative circumstances haven't stopped.  These last couple of months, well, more like the last two years, I have had a child that I can't seem to keep healthy.  Watching him fight sickness after sickness is painful and exhausting.  The medical bills just for him, let alone the other 5 of us, seem overwhelming today. But I still feel joy.

Incidentally, it turns out that by working on me, I made myself much more pleasant to be around.  Naturally, a joyful, congenial wife creates a more joyful, congenial home.  Thus follows a happy husband who just happens to be getting good at soap-opera-lover talk.  (I didn't even ask...blush).

I'm not done...but I'm done for now.


[Bonus schpill: In my blame game, I had a very well thought out list that God needed to fix in my hubby.  But God has His own ideas.  While I was complaining about this or that, God was working on an entirely different level in my husband.  He didn't change what I wanted Him to change.  The Holy Spirit has His own agenda.  It is so much better than anything I can dream up!  This past week, I had the exquisite privilege to go on a trip, just the two of us.  We got to talk, finally, for the 1st time in a really long time.  My spouse had time to share his heart and it turns out it is quite amazing.  I wanted God to fix "A" and instead He fixed "B, G, K and Z."

We're so good at "knowing" what needs to be fixed in others, especially women with their husbands.  But it turns out I am not as wise as the Holy Spirit.  It was my big lesson this week and I thought I'd pass that info on to you.]

'Kay, no, really, I'm done for now.