Day 22: I am Thankful for Failure

Here's a surprise: I am not perfect.  I'm not even close.  I mess up.  A lot.  


I recently, violated my conscience in a pretty big way.  And it was one of those choices that I couldn't really turn back from.  I just didn't know what to do. Not that anyone would even know, but I know & I've felt so guilty.  I've been sick at my stomach.    


So, I did my own little trick.  I started bargaining.  I started trying to figure out what I could do to cancel out my debt.  I could give money to charity.  I could find a way to volunteer.  After all, it is something I've been wanting to do but been unable due to the fact that I feel so very overwhelmed already.  I mean, I still have two kids in diapers (kind of...the 3-year-old still needs pull-ups at night & when we leave the house). I could find a random homeless person and give them my coat, etc. 


This bargaining may not sound like a big deal, but with my history of mental illness, it really can be.  There's another lie I bought.  "I must be GOOD."  If I'm not good, I have to make up for not being good.  There are these giant scales and if I have to make sure that I fill up the good side.  I have to earn the right to be happy, blessed, and loved by God.


Except, that thinking's not Bible, it's Karma...Hinduism or Buddhism.  


Insert relevant Bible verses (these may be lengthy, but they're good.  Try reading them out loud. I find it helps me understand sometimes "hard to understand" Paul):

"For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows how sinful we are.  But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago.  We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ.  And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.  For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.  Yet God, with undeserved kindness (a.k.a. "grace") declare that we are righteous.  He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins."  Romans 3:20-24 NLT (Emphasis added)

And

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast."  Ephesians 2:4-9 NIV

Summary of inserted Bible verses: I can't earn God's love or His favor.  Because He already gave it to me.  I have trust Him in salvation.  What I need to learn to do is trust Him for my sanctification.  (Big word that basically means the slow day-to-day changing of my heart from icky to gee-orgeous.) 


With every other religion out there a person has to forcibly change his or her behavior to earn the favor of whatever higher power there may be, from Allah to Karma.  With my religion, I absolutely cannot earn God's favor.  He just loves messed up me, and, if I'll except it, He'll simply give me His favor.  A gift.  A gift.  It is a gift.  

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV

That "worldly sorrow" is the dredges of condemnation.  It is the voice that can't believe how stupid I've been.  It is the voice that wonders what the hell is wrong with me.  It is the voice that says I'll never measure up or be good enough.  It is the voice that has literally driven me to madness.


I've experienced "godly sorrow" too.  It is the knowledge that I need Him.  It is what drives me to my knees and in His arms.  After which, I get up feeling clean and strong because I am loved by the God of the universe.  When I've had a good repentance session with him, I am a powerhouse.


I have to remember, "For the letter (rules for the sake of earning His favor) kills, but the Spirit gives life."  Oh, that I would remember!  It would make my brain hurt less.


I'm not quite done yet, but I'm done for today.  

Day 21: I am Thankful for Inspiration

For the past few weeks I have struggled to find anything to say about depression.  It is like my brain just dried up.  Nothing is there where ideas usually fly at me so fast I can hardly keep up.  What happened?

1. It's depression.  There are waves that come when my motivation to do ANYTHING, including write, just ends.  It is the nature of this mean ol' beast.  I put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing on my list, but I have lost some of the enjoyment.  It has by no means been the worst spell I've had.  Not much crying.  I haven't even really been aware that I was in a funk until yesterday.  But, I know that if I swing backwards the rope will grow taunt and I will soon swing forwards.  

2. I've honestly been pretty busy with family issues.  My husband has faced some illness.  My kids have had colds.  Money is tight because there are so many of us in this adorable little house.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all, it's reassureing to step back and look at my life and say, "Yeah, a lot has been going on & you're not crazy for struggling a little bit." 

3. The main reason I believe I haven't been inspired AND that I have struggled is because I have failed to immerse myself in inspiration.  I haven't been to my Bible study class and even though the lessons are available online I haven't worked them.  I haven't been listening to the music that uplifts me.  I haven't been reading.  I haven't been watching my one Christian TV show I like (and it's only one show so I'm not turning into my Grandma or my mom because I'm not watching TBN 24-7, right?  Please?).  I have missed church and even when I have gone I've been so late that I'm just feeling the "whew" of getting there & I'm not actually present for the service.  

I have not been in His presence in a while.  His creative presence.  My fault.  

Spend some time studying.  If you're a Believer, spend some time studying something biblical.  Either through church or a book at the bookstore.  If you don't know where to start, ask a friend or go to the web.  The New Life Ministries: Store has some amazing studies.  I've read through a couple of their books.  

Usually when I study something, I don't feel a rush of creativity.  Little seeds are planted that my brain mulls over for the rest of the day.  Later as I lay in bed at night or I'm having a rare quiet moment driving around town, that seed blows up into a full-blown magical idea -or- a practical "how-to" that I'm able to put to type and tell the world.  (See: Day 20 Part 1: I am Thankful for Football)

I've found that getting my thinking juices going gets my emotional juices flowing.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now. 

Day 20 part 2: I am Thankful for Gain

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21 (NIV)

In part one of "Day 20" I talked about living.  Today I'm talking about dying.  

I am someone who has had depression.  I am someone who believes in Jesus.  Therefore, death has always had a certain appeal to me.  Now, I know that I've gone to unhealthy levels with my longing for heaven, but at the same time, there IS a part of all believers that longs for our ultimate home.  

First and foremost...I get to be with HIM.  

I can physically be in His direct presence forever.  I will never have to leave, ever, ever, ever.  

I can remember as a child when I felt God's presence for the first time.  I felt perfect peace.  I felt perfect strength.  I felt perfect joy.  There was a wonderful delight to know I wasn't alone.  I knew that being with Him was exactly what I was made to do.  I was fulfilling my purpose.  I had tasted who He was and I have sought to fill my belly with His presence ever since. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; 

blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8

When battling depression, those moments of His presence were often harder to find.  There were times I absolutely couldn't find Him.  The lies I was believing about myself and the world were screaming so loud I did not have the ability to see Him there.  But I had tasted.  And I knew exactly who I was trying to get back to.  

(If you have never experienced what it is like to be with God, I urge you to find out.  You don't have to go to church, either.  Go to your bedroom.  Talk to Him.  You may feel like you don't deserve His loving favor, but He likes to give it anyways.)

Secondly, I will see beautiful things.  Like Pinterest, but better.  

I don't picture heaven as this boring place where I float on white fluffy clouds covered in my white fluffy robe playing on my white fluffy harp and wearing my white fluffy halo.  I am going to live with the same God who created the Appalachian fall.  I am going to live with the same God who created the Caribbean ocean.  I am going to live with the same God who created the variety that is human beings.  

I live in Alaska.  I see majesty daily.  But with Him, I'll get to see His creation, without the sting of sin on it.  When sin entered the world, it touched everything.  Sin fractured everything.  Struck by the awe of the Grand Canyon?  We should see what would have happened before sin touched the earth.  This monument is a fraction of what it was meant to be.  And when I am with Him, I will get to see the way it was meant to be.  Wow.  

A third detail I look forward to, is having eternity.

I shall now attempt to blow your mind...

We've often heard how God has a plan for the future.  He knows what is coming into your life.  He has a plan for you.  How does He know?  Because He can see past and future as if it were present.  How does He see it?  Because time is just another part of His creation.  It is like the tree in your yard or the eyeball that helps you read.  It sounds crazy to our brain that has never experienced a lack of time.  But think about it, within the last century, scientist have just begun to scratch the surface on the study of time.  We now have the fields of Theoretical Physics and Quantum Physics.  Now there are the household names of Einstein and Hawking.  (Also, Sheldon and Dr. Sam Beckett, but I digress.)

God is outside time.  The Hebrew word for God means that "He is."  When they say that He is eternal, they don't just mean never ending, the also mean never beginning.  He is OUR beginning and he is OUR end.

He IS the creator and I don't believe He will ever stop creating.  He is creating all over this world through us. He creates through me.  He continues to create through you.  And when I step into eternity with Him, I will finally not have time breathing down my neck.  I am infinitesimally slow and there it won't matter.  I can perfect whatever story I'm writing to the dot and tiddle.  I will be able to write a drama performance without the next chore on my to do list hassling me.  I can create with Him.  

To be honest, my thoughts on this subject are a bit futile.  Because the Bible says I can't even begin to imagine how good it will really be.    

Day 20 part 1: I am Thankful for Football Practice

As a mother of boys involved in sports, I spend a large portion of my life at "practice."  If I have the other 3 kids with me, I hate it.  I don't care how prepared I am with toys & activities to occupy them.  I get to spend 1-2 hours saying things like, "Shh. Don't wrestle. Don't run. Stop throwing. Why are you lying on the floor?"

But, thankfully, my 9-year-old's Flag Football practice is at night, after the hubby comes home.  So I get to take him to practice, just the two of us.  I get to sit on the gym floor and alternate between watching him happily bounce about chasing a ball and reading whatever book I'm currently loving on.    

I guess the boy finally wore himself out a little bit because on the drive home he was quiet.  Therefore, there was quiet.  If you have kids, you know what a rare and precious gift quiet is.  

And the Holy Spirit used that moment to blow up my universe.  

There are Bible verses I've known since I don't know when.  One of those memories is "...to live is Christ and to die is gain."  (Philippians 1:21 NIV)

Now, as a believer in Christ that has fought that battle with depression for years, I've always understood the whole, "to die is gain," thing.  But for the 1st time, the other night, I heard, really heard, the 1st half of the verse.

"...to...live...is...Christ..."

I heard, "...to LIVE is Christ."

Jesus does not repress me.  I've had a few religious people try to wrap me up & tie me down, but for as long as I've known Him, Jesus, has never done such.  He is the one who put the love of acting in me as a teen, sent me to El Salvador, married me to a wonderful man, gave me four sons, moved me across the planet to Alaska, birthed the desire to create, painted the majestic vistas about me in full color in the summertime, painted in black and white in the winter, and has taken me on multiple "less traveled" paths.

He has made me truly live.  I stand in awe.

I also heard, "...to live is CHRIST."

This life can certainly be amazing, but it can also be really, really hard.  There is pain.  There is grit.

And Jesus chose to live here.  He left perfection and kingship.  He emptied his God-hood out & became human.  He didn't choose middle-class America either.  He grew up a minority.  He grew up poor.  I've heard that the tax rate from Rome was about 70-80% depending on your tax collector.  He grew up to be hated.  He grew up to be beaten.  He grew up to torturred.  He grew up to be crucified, humiliated and to die.

And He chose to do it.

I think I can choose to really live.  In good times and bad.  Because He gives me the same strength of choice He had.