Day 26: I am Thankful for Slumming

I can really and truly say that I have reached a healthy place mentally.  I am not depressed.  I am not wracked with anxiety.  I am no longer the bitter ball that I used to be.

And I have absolutely, without a doubt, no question about it made to this blessed state through my growing relationship with Jesus Christ.

When I first started writing about depression I didn't really have intentions to go as religious as my blogging has been.  But it turns out I can't talk about mental healing without the mention Him over and over and over.  My good (not perfect) place is so interwoven with the workings of the Holy Spirit that "healthy" and "Christ" cannot be separated.  

I know that He has brought me here.  And amazingly, this beautiful, a-little-more-cleaned up state is not where He met me.  When my depression started, I was already a Christian.  I had already given Him my heart.  But sin is in the world and sin still had root of infection in me.  

This verse so well describes my emotional circumstances for decades.  The bold lettering is my own added emphasis:

"It wasn't long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin.  You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live.  You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience.  We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat.  It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us.  Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us.  He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ.  He did all this on his own, with no help from us!  Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heavenly company with Jesus, our Messiah."  Ephesians 2:1-6 (MSG)

I have always been a rather reserved person.  I am outwardly unemotional.  But internally my life was completely overshadowed by the negative belief system I had embraced.  Negative emotions naturally followed.  

Jesus 1st met me right there, in my pain.  I was internally oily, twisted and tied in knots.  That quagmire is when He showed up.  He came down to where I was.  He cried with me when I was splotchy and snotty.  He has been with me every single step forward and every single stumble backwards.  

He came into my ugly.

Jesus is not waiting for you to get it together.  He is not withholding blessing of joy until you get your head on straight. The blessing is that He is with you in the muck, if you only ask Him to be.  He will take your filth upon Himself, if you will only allow Him.

"Surely He has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed Him stricken, 

smitten by God, and afflicted." 

Isaiah 53:4 (ESV)

This note is meant to be encouraging.  Yes, He has healed me but it has not been a quick and easy journey.  It has been the rocky path.  It is narrow and precarious but the Holy Spirit and His Word have been my light, keeping me from falling off (completely).  It has been over 20 years since the onset of my depression.  It has been excruciating at times, but it has been so worth it.  

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.  

Day 25: I am Thankful for Transformation

I have four sons.  So, the 1st bauble that pops into my noggin when I hear "trans-anything" is always going to be Transformers the toys, cartoons, movies, etc.

It's a robot! (Insert dub-step sound effect.)  No, it's a dinosaur!  It's an airplane.  It's a spider!

It takes 2 seconds on TV to change those robots around.  It takes a little bit longer in real life to flip the toys.  I'm not kidding either.  Some of those buggers require instructions and Google searches.  

Now, looking back, I can see that my own transformation from mentally decrepit to mental health has taken decades versus seconds.  There is no quick Google look up.  The change has been gradual.  There have been many backward steps, as well.  

"...but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,..."  Romans 12:2 (Partial) ESV

This verse used to frustrate me because I never could seem to do just that...renew my mind.

Second look, redo, this time we'll see the whole picture.

"Do not be transformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." 

Romans 12:2 (Complete) ESV

I was trying to change my depression on my own.  I was white knuckle, desperate, and angry as I tried to force myself better.  It didn't work.  The Bible says that the Holy Spirit is the one who sanctifies me, meaning, that He is the one who cleans me out.

For example: the Bible says that I am precious and loved of God, but I wasn't willing to accept that portion.

I am slowly learning to test how I think.  I honestly think quite a bit like the rest of the world that is not in submission to the God of the Universe.  So, to be completely practical, my prayer sounds like, "God, Your Word says that You made me according to Your will, "wonderfully."  I don't honestly believe I am anything but a screw-up.  But I know that Your Word is true so will you fix the way I think?  Change my thinking?  Put my thinking in alignment with what the Bible says is true."

I have just begun to pray this prayer just in the past month or so over any issue I know that I don't quite agree with in the Bible.  I talking about from social and political issues to those messed up thoughts I have that affect my moods negatively.  And, oh my goodness, He has answered so many times over.  I'll be driving and He will whisper, "Have you noticed this _________"  

Insert creepy "mind-blown" cartoon from Facebook.

I think differently than I did just a month ago.  Let alone 10 years ago.  He has been doing the hard work.  He has been so faithful.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old.  But I feel as if I'm just beginning this amazing journey.  I am just now discovering:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."   2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Yeah, I'm still not quite finished, but I'm done for now. 

Day 24: I am Thankful for Honesty

"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV

I put those words above in red for effect.  If they were in a "Red Letter" Bible, they would be red.  They were words that Jesus Himself spoke to the crowd.  

All my life, I have been known as a good girl.  I'm not a party-er.  I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  I never slept around.  I remember walking in on a co-workers in the break room.  I was 22 years old.  I heard enough to know that they were talking about sex.  One co-worker shushed the conversation, "We can't talk about that around her, she's a virgin."  If I could have raised one eye-brow, I would have.  (I wanna be able to do that so bad.) I pointed at my 6-months-pregnant belly.  My co-worker laughed and said, "Girl, I don't care.  You STILL a virgin."

So, I looked good.  But what is on the inside is not always reflected on the outside.  Because believe me: Ain't nuthin' can destroy everything and everyone around it like bitter can.

In my early twenties, I went to see a professional counselor.  I know that on TV the counselor's job is to make you feel all warm & fuzzy, but that's not what my counselor did.  I went to see a biblical counselor.  She kept digging and digging into me until I came to the realization that I was actually rather un-trusting and unforgiving...bitter.  I came to understand for the 1st time that my heart was, at its core, evil.  Worldly wisdom would have me think that knowing this truth about myself would lead me towards a greater depression and make me even more self-destructive.  But the opposite was actually the case.

I now saw the truth.  I now understood that I needed forgiveness.  I now understood that I had no right to withhold from others what I so desperately needed from my God.  And He extended that forgiveness towards me.  By admitting I was evil, bad, sick and twisted, I felt clean.

"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,

and in sin did my mother conceive me. 

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, 

and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. 

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:5-7 ESV

As my eyes were opened to my own wickedness I was able to see the air of self-righteousness that ran as a thread through my family.  It was so freeing to admit that I was flawed.  I didn't have to pretend to be perfect anymore.  I got better with my depression...for a while.

It did come back.  Why?  That 1st step towards personal honesty was just that.  A step.  There is layer after layer of hurt, pain, wall, and sickness in my soul.  My depression returned in earnest about 10 years later and I found myself in the counselor's office again.

Internally, without much conscience, I had figured out a way to protect my heart.  It is sick & twisted (my way always is) but I had decided that I didn't want anyone to tell me how much I sucked.  I figured out that if I ever felt good, someone might come and tell me how awful I was...which would make me feel bad...really, really bad.  So I learned to STAY feeling bad already.  Then when I made a mistake, or did not parent well, or did not keep my house as clean as everyone else did, or wasn't as pretty as all the other mothers at church I wouldn't feel that drop.  It is like, if I was already a wreck then I wouldn't feel the impact as much when there was an emotional crash.

I had a tough time admitting this ruse to myself.  I mean, read that last paragraph again.  It is chock full of whack thinking.  It took a year of hard work for me to admit how MUCH the self-hatred habit had taken root.  I knew it would be messy to deal with.  There would be tears.  There would be snot.  My nose was going to swell up, turn red and shiny.  (I know of no one else whose nose turns super shiny when they cry.  It's like Rudolph.)  I don't cry pretty.

But I had to face that demon.  I had to be honest with it.  I had to be honest with myself.

This was my breakthrough.  I learned so much.  When I am depressed, anxious or overly stressed, I have learned to be honest and face that sin in my heart, the evil, that is creating my negative mood.  And I have found it to be sin.  Every time.

I am an evil girl at heart.

I am reminded of the woman who could not stop bleeding.  Basically, she was on a period that didn't stop for years.  She pressed so hard through the crowd around Jesus that she ended up crawling on the ground.  She merely touched the hem of His robe.  And she was instantly different.  She knew she was different.  Jesus knew something was different, too.  In the middle of a pressing crowd of people, Jesus stops, and asked, "Who touched me?"

"And He looked around to see who had done it.  But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth.  And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease'."  Mark 5:32-34 ESV (Emphasis added)

I'm think I'm almost done...hitting the home stretch...but I'm not done yet.

Day 23: I am Thankful for Comfort

Comfort.  When I picture comfort I picture fleece pajamas and flannel sheets.  I picture a warm hug.  I picture hot coffee and chocolate chip cookies.  I imagine "sleeping in" until a ridiculous hour.   

I certainly don't picture struggle, pain, hardship, poverty,...depression.

But it was pointed out to me recently that the root word for "comfort" does not quite have the same definition that we think of today.  I looked it up and sure enough, they were correct.  (See "Comfort" at Dictionary.com).  The word "comfort" originally meant, "to strengthen much." This root word is even used in the Vulgate.  The Latin Vulgate an ancient translation of the Bible.  It is still used as a tool by Bible translators, today.

In Western culture, where we've had very little true suffering, we have kind of made a god of comfort.  To be honest, most of us do not want the million(s) dollar mansion with the luxury Hummer while jewels decorate each appendage.  When I, for one, see some of that overabundance on TV it makes me a little sick at my stomach.  I don't want all that excess.  I just want to be comfortable.  I want to pay my bills, buy healthy groceries, drive an in-good-condition older car, dress my kids in Old Navy and Target and not hyperventilate when I see the college fund Orthodontist would like to drain.  Am I right?  

But this older, and I truly believe more accurate, definition of comfort gives a new spin to:

"And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever;" John 14:16 KJV

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."  John 14:18 KJV

I thought the point was that when I faced troubles I would be wrapped in a spiritual blanket so I could feel all better? Guess not?  Nope.

My typical reaction to pain is to avoid it at all costs.  But I think I need a shift in attitude.

When my day is dark and my depression is heavy I need to stop and say, "I am going to ride this out.  I am going to accept the comfort (strengthening) of the Holy Spirit in my circumstance.  I am going to see how I can glorify God while depressed, today."

Perhaps I can comfort or "strengthen much" someone else?

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.  Our hope is for you to be unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings,  you will also share in our comfort."  2 Corinthians 1:3-7 ESV

I'm still not done, but I'm done for now.