I recently, violated my conscience in a pretty big way. And it was one of those choices that I couldn't really turn back from. I just didn't know what to do. Not that anyone would even know, but I know & I've felt so guilty. I've been sick at my stomach.
So, I did my own little trick. I started bargaining. I started trying to figure out what I could do to cancel out my debt. I could give money to charity. I could find a way to volunteer. After all, it is something I've been wanting to do but been unable due to the fact that I feel so very overwhelmed already. I mean, I still have two kids in diapers (kind of...the 3-year-old still needs pull-ups at night & when we leave the house). I could find a random homeless person and give them my coat, etc.
This bargaining may not sound like a big deal, but with my history of mental illness, it really can be. There's another lie I bought. "I must be GOOD." If I'm not good, I have to make up for not being good. There are these giant scales and if I have to make sure that I fill up the good side. I have to earn the right to be happy, blessed, and loved by God.
Except, that thinking's not Bible, it's Karma...Hinduism or Buddhism.
Insert relevant Bible verses (these may be lengthy, but they're good. Try reading them out loud. I find it helps me understand sometimes "hard to understand" Paul):
"For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows how sinful we are. But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness (a.k.a. "grace") declare that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." Romans 3:20-24 NLT (Emphasis added)
And
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:4-9 NIV
Summary of inserted Bible verses: I can't earn God's love or His favor. Because He already gave it to me. I have trust Him in salvation. What I need to learn to do is trust Him for my sanctification. (Big word that basically means the slow day-to-day changing of my heart from icky to gee-orgeous.)
With every other religion out there a person has to forcibly change his or her behavior to earn the favor of whatever higher power there may be, from Allah to Karma. With my religion, I absolutely cannot earn God's favor. He just loves messed up me, and, if I'll except it, He'll simply give me His favor. A gift. A gift. It is a gift.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV
That "worldly sorrow" is the dredges of condemnation. It is the voice that can't believe how stupid I've been. It is the voice that wonders what the hell is wrong with me. It is the voice that says I'll never measure up or be good enough. It is the voice that has literally driven me to madness.
I've experienced "godly sorrow" too. It is the knowledge that I need Him. It is what drives me to my knees and in His arms. After which, I get up feeling clean and strong because I am loved by the God of the universe. When I've had a good repentance session with him, I am a powerhouse.
I have to remember, "For the letter (rules for the sake of earning His favor) kills, but the Spirit gives life." Oh, that I would remember! It would make my brain hurt less.
I'm not quite done yet, but I'm done for today.
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