"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV
I put those words above in red for effect. If they were in a "Red Letter" Bible, they would be red. They were words that Jesus Himself spoke to the crowd.
All my life, I have been known as a good girl. I'm not a party-er. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I never slept around. I remember walking in on a co-workers in the break room. I was 22 years old. I heard enough to know that they were talking about sex. One co-worker shushed the conversation, "We can't talk about that around her, she's a virgin." If I could have raised one eye-brow, I would have. (I wanna be able to do that so bad.) I pointed at my 6-months-pregnant belly. My co-worker laughed and said, "Girl, I don't care. You STILL a virgin."
So, I looked good. But what is on the inside is not always reflected on the outside. Because believe me: Ain't nuthin' can destroy everything and everyone around it like bitter can.
In my early twenties, I went to see a professional counselor. I know that on TV the counselor's job is to make you feel all warm & fuzzy, but that's not what my counselor did. I went to see a biblical counselor. She kept digging and digging into me until I came to the realization that I was actually rather un-trusting and unforgiving...bitter. I came to understand for the 1st time that my heart was, at its core, evil. Worldly wisdom would have me think that knowing this truth about myself would lead me towards a greater depression and make me even more self-destructive. But the opposite was actually the case.
I now saw the truth. I now understood that I needed forgiveness. I now understood that I had no right to withhold from others what I so desperately needed from my God. And He extended that forgiveness towards me. By admitting I was evil, bad, sick and twisted, I felt clean.
"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:5-7 ESV
It did come back. Why? That 1st step towards personal honesty was just that. A step. There is layer after layer of hurt, pain, wall, and sickness in my soul. My depression returned in earnest about 10 years later and I found myself in the counselor's office again.
Internally, without much conscience, I had figured out a way to protect my heart. It is sick & twisted (my way always is) but I had decided that I didn't want anyone to tell me how much I sucked. I figured out that if I ever felt good, someone might come and tell me how awful I was...which would make me feel bad...really, really bad. So I learned to STAY feeling bad already. Then when I made a mistake, or did not parent well, or did not keep my house as clean as everyone else did, or wasn't as pretty as all the other mothers at church I wouldn't feel that drop. It is like, if I was already a wreck then I wouldn't feel the impact as much when there was an emotional crash.
I had a tough time admitting this ruse to myself. I mean, read that last paragraph again. It is chock full of whack thinking. It took a year of hard work for me to admit how MUCH the self-hatred habit had taken root. I knew it would be messy to deal with. There would be tears. There would be snot. My nose was going to swell up, turn red and shiny. (I know of no one else whose nose turns super shiny when they cry. It's like Rudolph.) I don't cry pretty.
But I had to face that demon. I had to be honest with it. I had to be honest with myself.
This was my breakthrough. I learned so much. When I am depressed, anxious or overly stressed, I have learned to be honest and face that sin in my heart, the evil, that is creating my negative mood. And I have found it to be sin. Every time.
I am an evil girl at heart.
I am reminded of the woman who could not stop bleeding. Basically, she was on a period that didn't stop for years. She pressed so hard through the crowd around Jesus that she ended up crawling on the ground. She merely touched the hem of His robe. And she was instantly different. She knew she was different. Jesus knew something was different, too. In the middle of a pressing crowd of people, Jesus stops, and asked, "Who touched me?"
"And He looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease'." Mark 5:32-34 ESV (Emphasis added)
I'm think I'm almost done...hitting the home stretch...but I'm not done yet.
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