I grew up around the belief that God loves us and He's our Father & He'd never want us to be in pain.
“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:9-11 (NIV).
I bought this line hook, line and sinker.
So what was wrong with me that I kept struggling with being sad virtually all the time. For 20 years I might have a flash of happiness here and there, but it was only fleeting. I was so unhappy. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I like everyone else? Why didn't God fix me?
I prayed in the altar, cried in the altar, lingered in the altar. Why, God....why?
It took years, but I started to notice something in my own study and through the teaching many wonderful biblical teachers. Biblical heroes did not live the illness free, wealthy, happy American dream. Far from it. Paul had bad eyes. Elijah and Moses both suffered from feeling overwhelmed or depressed. Sarah laughed bitterly at the thought of having a child. The New Testament Christians had their possessions seized, were put into prison, and murdered.
"Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered." Hebrews 5:8 (NLT)
Jesus Himself suffered. He told us repeatedly that we, too, would suffer. How can we think we are not supposed to suffer?
There is something you're learning through your depression. You are being made mature. You are slowly becoming mature. You are being made perfect through your depression. It is a slow, painful process. But one day you will understand.
A couple of good things that came out of my depression:
1. I really, really grasp joy. After 20 years of depression, I received a healing. I had that "joy unspeakable," finally. And would you believe that it was worth it? Don't get me wrong, mental illness isn't "fun" and I would have hoped to never see dark days again. But I wouldn't undo those days either. I don't believe that I would have understood joy if my life had been carefree. I've seen the the black so I can understand the white.
Maybe you don't need sadness to comprehend joy. Maybe you suffer in some other way. Maybe you'll need poverty to appreciate wealth? Maybe you'll need illness to love health? I cannot speak about for your life, but I'd like to speak to your heart.
2. I can possess compassion for others. I'm a Texan. I naturally lean towards that "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and "shake the dust off your feet" mentality. But though I'd like to think that I would be strong, powerful & independent on my own, I'm sooo not. I have suffered therefore I am able to identify with suffering in others. I can empathize. I can weep with those who weep. And these days, I can even laugh with those who laugh.
I heard a Christian counselor explain that most people are able to withstand any crisis, any grief, any sorrow as long as they feel there is purpose behind it.
You need to know, there is purpose for your suffering as well.
It's getting late and I need to go to bed. I guess that means I'm done for now.
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