Day 5: I am Thankful for Hope

I am thankful for hope.

It's December.  It's Christmas time.  All the commercials and all the TV specials are about the Spirit of Christmas. 

Random Rant: Excuse me, CHRISTmas.  "Don't take the CHRIST out of Christmas." Am I the only one who is SO tempted to post 30 days of happy Christmas wishes on Facebook & only use "Xmas?" Just to be ornery?  No?  It's just me then.  I'm so twisted. 

Back on task, you know the commercials & the music & the cheesy family friendly movies that talk about giving and hope and fairy dust wishes with sparkling lights on top? 

Well, when I talk about hope, I'm not talking about that kind.  I'm talking about something a little more tangible and a little less fuzzy.  When I'm in the dark places of depression and mental illness, all that superficial joy-joy just makes me mad.  It's kind of like rubbing a cheese grater on my skin. 

But there is definitely something to be said about real hope:

1) There's the belief that something good can come out of something bad.  The most amazing people have all been through hell.  Their travel through darkness is what made them amazing.  Examples: Corrie Ten Boom, Nick Vujicic, Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa and Abraham Lincoln.  Incidently, President Lincoln also suffered from depression.  

2) The knowledge that situations always eventually change.  It's not always for the better but know that if it can get worse it also can get better.  I am a deep believer in Christ, but realize that even those who are not "religious" recognize that life is moving, always changing.  There is an appropriately named "It Gets Better" campaign.  Celebrities like Tim Gunn speaking out to those who are facing despair over the struggle of sexual identity or other personal issues.  They speak of the changes that life naturally brings as it ebbs and flows.  Life is dynamic, not stagnant. 

3) My final statement of hope is through my own relationship with God, with Christ.  Even when I really can't see a way out of darkness, I understand the power He has.  He usually doesn't, but I know He has the power to speak a single word & all my pain will be washed away instantly.  It used to make me angry when I thought of His ability and the fact that He wouldn't just magic the agony away.  It no longer does.  Instead I find comfort and HOPE that He's walking me through the pain. 

I realize that not all who read this blog have the relationship with God I am talking about.  Many of you may not even believe Him.  But at least, if not all 3 points, consider the first 2.  There is real tangible hope out there.

My kids have woken from their naps, so I'll have to be done for now.

Day 4: I am Thankful for Seasons

^{"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:}

   ^{a time to be born and a time to die,}

   ^{a time to plant and a time to uproot,} 

   ^{a time to kill and a time to heal,} 

   ^{a time to tear down and a time to build,} 

   ^{a time to weep and a time to laugh,} 

   ^{a time to mourn and a time to dance,} 

   ^{a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,} 

   ^{a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,} 

   ^{a time to search and a time to give up,} 

   ^{a time to keep and a time to throw away,} 

   ^{a time to tear and a time to mend,}

   ^{a time to love and a time to hate,} 

   ^{a time for war and a time for peace."  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)}

^{I know that you are now singing that song quietly under your breath.  I know you are because "I sure are."  We'll give an obligatory nod to The Birds...and move on.}

^{You know the seasons: Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring.  I, however, live in Alaska.  The joke up here is that we have four seasons as well: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter (a.k.a. "Break-up"), and Construction.}

^{Just like the weather, life is full of seasons.  Following my own life there's my childhood, my teen years, my college years, my newlywed years, my career years, and I am currently in right smack dab in the chaos-ensuing...er, child rearing years.}  

^{Each season has it's own situational challenges, logistical challenges, and emotional challenges.  Unfortunately, we don't have the predictability as to a timeline.  I don't know how long any one season of challenge will last.  It different for every challenge and for every person.  And so it is.}  

^{Another way to say it is, "This too shall pass."} 

^{I had a pre-babies figure that I did not even appreciate enough.  "This too shall pass."  I had period of illness that put me on disability and drove us into the ground financially.  "This too shall pass."}  

^{(Nerd out moment: Are you picturing the scene with Gandalf and the Balrog? Because I  am.  I totally am.)}

^{My 1st season of depression lasted for 20 years.  My next season of joy and freedom lasted for about 18 months.  Whatever this current season will be, it will be just that, a season.}  

^{And the seasons have taught me that God is good.  He is for our good.  We really get to see it if we can relax and trust our lives, hearts, fears, weaknesses and deep emotions to Him.  I just have to hold on and ride it out.} 

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
      They will soar high on wings like eagles.
   They will run and not grow weary.
      They will walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

It was pointed out to me that we don't walk & soar at the same time.  There are days for soaring, when all is well.  And there are days for walking, when life is tough.  And to be honest, there are days, when I'm in darkness, when it is a struggle to fold the next piece of laundry and I am crawling...barely.  

But it's only a time period.  And in view of eternity it's really not very long at all.  

Speaking of seasons, today's season of "awake-ed-ness" is about over, so I'm going to be done for now.

Day 3: I am Thankful for Suffering

I grew up around the belief that God loves us and He's our Father & He'd never want us to be in pain.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"  Matthew 7:9-11 (NIV).

I bought this line hook, line and sinker.  

So what was wrong with me that I kept struggling with being sad virtually all the time.  For 20 years I might have a flash of happiness here and there, but it was only fleeting.  I was so unhappy.  What was wrong with me?  Why wasn't I like everyone else? Why didn't God fix me?

I prayed in the altar, cried in the altar, lingered in the altar.  Why, God....why?

It took years, but I started to notice something in my own study and through the teaching many wonderful biblical teachers.  Biblical heroes did not live the illness free, wealthy, happy American dream.  Far from it.    Paul had bad eyes.  Elijah and Moses both suffered from feeling overwhelmed or depressed.  Sarah laughed bitterly at the thought of having a child.  The New Testament Christians had their possessions seized, were put into prison, and murdered.

"Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered." Hebrews 5:8 (NLT)

Jesus Himself suffered.  He told us repeatedly that we, too, would suffer.  How can we think we are not supposed to suffer? 

There is something you're learning through your depression.  You are being made mature.  You are slowly becoming mature.  You are being made perfect through your depression.  It is a slow, painful process.  But one day you will understand.

A couple of good things that came out of my depression:

1. I really, really grasp joy.  After 20 years of depression, I received a healing.  I had that "joy unspeakable," finally.  And would you believe that it was worth it?  Don't get me wrong, mental illness isn't "fun" and I would have hoped to never see dark days again.  But I wouldn't undo those days either.  I don't believe that I would have understood joy if my life had been carefree.  I've seen the the black so I can understand the white.

Maybe you don't need sadness to comprehend joy.  Maybe you suffer in some other way.  Maybe you'll need poverty to appreciate wealth?  Maybe you'll need illness to love health?  I cannot speak about for your life, but I'd like to speak to your heart. 


2. I can possess compassion for others.  I'm a Texan.  I naturally lean towards that "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and "shake the dust off your feet" mentality.  But though I'd like to think that I would be strong, powerful & independent on my own, I'm sooo not.  I have suffered therefore I am able to identify with suffering in others.  I can empathize.  I can weep with those who weep.  And these days, I can even laugh with those who laugh.

I heard a Christian counselor explain that most people are able to withstand any crisis, any grief, any sorrow as long as they feel there is purpose behind it.

You need to know, there is purpose for your suffering as well.

It's getting late and I need to go to bed.  I guess that means I'm done for now.

Day 2: I am Thankful for Professional Counseling

Obviously, I'm not going to be hitting you with a blog daily, per sey.  Oh, well. 

My husband & I met at college 16 years ago.  Derick & I dated for about 2 1/2 years before we got married.  The first 18 months or so we're pretty tumultuous.  In fact I had a usually meek, lovely friend who gently and bravely told me one day, "I think you're great.  I think Derick's great.  I'm not sure if you're good together."

My future husband described our woes to a trusted professor.  Dr. H. suggested Derick use one of the psychologist provided by the school to the students.  Was he bad enough off to need to see a counselor?  The professor then explained his personal view of the need for professional counseling.

You see, this professor was relatively new to the university.  He had actually spent many years working as a pastor.  He had a reputation for excepting the pastorship at a dying church with low attendance.  Over a period of years he would build it into a lively, thriving ministry.  He would then set up leadership within the church and seamlessly step out to take on another flailing ministry.

Dr. H. explained that he required his church staff to meet with a professional counselor regularly.  All married staff were also required to attend additional marital counseling.  If the church grew large enough to support one, he'd hire a professional counselor on staff.  This way church members could have access to therapy as well.  And he himself, an emotionally healthy individual, attended monthly sessions with a professional biblical counselor.  He and his wife also attended marital counseling semi-regularly and have a loving marriage.

Derick agreed to meet with the counselor.  Well, that highly trained professional needed only a few minutes with Derick to know that she needed to see ME.  He invited me to come so I did.  She was straightforward and told us that she didn't know if our relationship would work.  She wanted to see us separately. 

I was only mildly annoyed that I got 2-3 times as many sessions as my future spouse.  To be honest, at this point I was such an emotional wreck that I didn't really care; I just wanted to not feel like I was going crazy.  I worked through a plethora of trust issues.  I extended forgiveness to multiple souls.  I learned to give up some of my rigid independence.  About 6 months later, at another dual session with both Derick & me, the counselor said that she gave her stamp of approval towards what she expected to be a life-long, healthy marriage.

Fast forward 10 years.  I am struggling with depression.  I had discussions with my husband that there seemed to be this destructive circle that I, on my own couldn't seem to break free of, obviously.  I sought out professional counseling again.  Praise God, praise God! 

This round it took about a year of gut-wrenching work.  I owe my counselor a Costco pallet of Kleenex.  But after all those tears and all that snot, I finally had a breakthrough.  I had finally dealt with some of the nitty-gritty in my own heart: my self-hatred, my bitterness, and my walls of self-protection. 

Maybe you have noticed you too are in a vicious circle.  You swear each time that you won't make the same mistake again...and then you do.  You keep pulling yourself up by your bootstraps for a while but then fall down again.  Telling yourself to "get over it" isn't working.  Praying more isn't working.  Reading your Bible more isn't working.  Memorizing Bible verses isn't working.  Extensive altar time isn't working.

You've fought with the depression for years & the medication isn't going away any time soon.  You end up in that same fight AGAIN with your spouse.  Are you cutting again?  Are you drinking again?  Are you self-destructive in your behavior?  Are you chronically angry?  Are you chronically sad, sometimes a lot and sometimes mildly, but never really feeling better?  Why aren't you getting help?

Mostly, we don't want the stigma of  "going to a counselor."  The other argument I've heard, repeatedly, from several sources is, "I don't want to be in counseling for the rest of my life."  So you don't go at all?  Cancer is a long-term treatment plan but I don't recommend not treating cancer for fear of it taking a long time to deal with.  [BTW: there are times I have been able to deal with a single issue within 1 or 2 sessions.]


Finances can absolutely be an issue.  But many communities are working to get affordable care out there.  With a little bit of research, you should be able to find the resources available within your community.  (If you're reading this blog, you have the Internet.)  Also, if you have medical insurance, check with them.  Insurances have discovered that they spend less on physical problems of people who are emotionally healthy.  So, the math is on their side to pay for you to go. 

As a Christian, I insist on a certified professional biblical counselor.  Psychology is a relatively new, quickly-growing science.  There are some kooks out there.  But I can say after studying psychology...some in college (I was a Psych major for a year until I figured out that it was not my calling)...and being IN counseling, that so, so much of what this science discovers is already in the Bible.  An excellent resource is www.newlife.com where they have a listing of "certified-to-the-nines" counselors all over the country.  Check on their page for their radio program.  As you listen, you can begin to get a small sense of what a counseling session will be like. 

If you are not a believer, I still strongly encourage counseling.  Even non-Christian Psychology offers excellent, excellent coping skills.  There are ways to deal with strong emotions that are healthy and help one to grow versus get stuck in a cycle that hurts you & others around you.

Life happens.  Sometimes we manage to make bad things happen, sometimes bad things happen to us.  However it happens, we have scars. 

I am thankful for the abundant life God gave me in a counselors office.

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 1: I am Thankful for Medication

This is my story.  I am not judging your story.  Since, I'm sticking it out there for the world to see, you are welcome to judge my story.  I am not telling anyone what to do or how they should seek treatment.  I am not a counselor.  I am not a doctor.  I am not a preacher.  I am a "Depression-head." 

I'm starting big.  This one is controversial, especially in Conservative Christian circles...even more so in the Pentecostal/Charismatic circuit I've grown up in and around.

But I am thankful and I praise God for anti-depressants!  I firmly believe they were a gift He sent me from heaven.  I have been criticized for taking them, sometimes directly but mostly indirectly.  Those of you who are on them, perhaps secretly, know where I'm coming from.  But I've reached the point where I can honestly say that I don't care who cares. 

Understand, at my lowest point I was barely functioning at all.  I was doing good to keep my, at that time, two little ones in clean diapers.  Simply diapering was a struggle.  Being at work was a struggle. Going to church was a struggle.  ANY FORM of housework was a struggle.  (Still is, kinda.)  I can remember looking at my make-up on the counter in my bathroom & just the thought of putting it on was overwhelming.

For whatever reason, I never attempted suicide, but I knew I was in deep trouble when I had a thought of hurting my own innocent child.  I'd seen the news and this time period wasn't long after that one mother in Texas had drowned her 5 children.  I knew it could grow into something bigger than a thought.  I had finally reached a desperation point.  I went to my doctor.


Six weeks later my world opened up for the 1st time in my adult life.  The Zoloft started working.  I realized at that time, that I had been sick for years.  I understood how the rest of the "normal" world felt, and I could say that I hadn't felt "normal" since I was about 12 years old.


No one, will ever be able to convince me that my medication was not a gift from God.   We've all (depression heads) heard that voice from the pulpit, which then transfers that voice in our own mind.  The message varies slightly but...


"Anti-depressant medication means that you're not trusting God for healing."


I remember hearing one, well-meaning (or not) preacher had a message, "From Valium to Victory."  Actually, it was a Pentecostal preacher so it was more like, "From Valium to Victory-yah!"  He went on to decry the evils of psychological medication.  The church "uh-huh'd" and "Amened" all over that sermon.  And I knew I would never tell anyone about my meds.  I'd just keep it a secret. 

I've since learned that about a fourth of those "Amen-ers" were on medication, too.  And I'm tired of the secret life.

I've been criticized for not taking a more natural medication.  Somehow, Saint John's Wart was less offensive to God than Wellbutrin?  If I took that, it'd be a plant so I would still be trusting God?  I was told it had no side effects, but I know a lady who had some pretty horrendous side effects.  For those who've had relief from this herb, excellent.  I am all for those who'd like to take it, but I'd recommend being under the supervision of a professional no less than for those on Paxil.

People who take the meds are accused of just covering up/masking the symptoms of what's really causing the depression.  And this complaint, I actually agree with.  I know plenty of folks who are willing to take a Tylenol for their headache.  But what if the root of the headache is a sinus infection?  Can you not take a Tylenol and antibiotics at the same time?  Absolutely! Take that pain-killer until your sinus infection clears up.

I take the same approach with my happy-pills. There is a problem in my soul, an emotional scar causing my mental agony.  And I will continue to hunt out those wounds, clean them up, stitch them up, and let them heal.  Another gift from God.  In the meantime, I will take the special gift of medication He's given me and praise Him for it.  All good things come from our Father above.

I am thankful that I've seen a gradual shift towards depression in the Church.  More knowledge is getting out there and along with that knowledge more compassion.  I have many friends and family who are Christian...and Charismatic...and even Pentecostal who have been superbly supportive.  

I took anti-depressants for about 10 years.  I am blessed not to be on them right now.  But there may be a day when I need them again.  In fact, I'm considering it now.  But I refuse to think of it as a moral failing.  It takes a special kind of courage to ask for help. 

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.



P.S.  Anti-depressants are no light & lively thing.  For those who are unaware, it can be a trying time, if you know you've reached the point you need medication.  They can take 2-6 weeks to start working.  At that time, you may start to feel better.  Or you realize that this medication is not the right drug for you because it's not working or the side effects are too severe.  So, then you have to spend a few weeks weaning off the medication.  Then you get to start the new medicine.  And it takes 2-6 weeks to start working...etc.  Give an extra measure of grace to those you know going through this cycle.

What I am Thankful For: Depression

Throughout November, many have been posting what they are thankful for on Facebook or Twitter or the like, something different each day.  Simply because I have a well-ingrained rebellious streak, I refused to jump on that bandwagon.  I'm apparently too cool to do what everyone else is doing. Right?

But I have had a running theme over the last couple of months.  I have run into conversation after conversation with many, many friends regarding depression.  So many people suffer from it and so few of us that do are willing or even able to talk about it. 

I'm going to talk about it.  I'm going to put myself out there because I am now blessed to know that I'm not alone in my suffering.  But so many of you, my friends, don't realize how "not alone" you are.

I also know that when it comes to this subject, I can be very long winded.  So it's going to go into the blog instead of a post with their annoying little limitations. 

More to come...

I No Longer Know Kung Fu

In a previous post, I bragged about my potato-peelin', potato-choppin', potato wranglin' skills.

See My New Ninja Skill.

I briefly mentioned my one and only other quick skill....typing.  I have, for years, been able to type faster than a Pentecostal, Holy Spirit hop kick dance in the center aisle at one of those services where they end up never preaching just singing the whole time.  (It's okay.  I can tease them because I've done the dance.)

I have sadly, lost this amazing ability.

I am currently on the hunt to trace the origin of the problem.  My finger joints aren't swollen and my arms aren't paralyzed, so it's not physical.  Perhaps it's mental because typing most definitely requires more concentration than before.  I can still type with my eyes closed, so I still have something jiggling around up there in my head.  It hasn't all falled out.

I have been a little more pressed for time this past week due to having sick kiddos and being sick myself, but in the past, not having as much time has always sped me up, not slowed me down.  I type well under pressure.

Ah HA!

Bingo!  I figured it out.  Move over Sherlock Holmes, this new detective has passed elementary.

It's the kids.  The reason I no longer type quickly is simply because I had kids.  It's all their fault!

See?

Kids are awesome...and expensive...they sure can be expensive.