When I'm thankful for church I don't mean in the typical "churchy" sense. Yes it is the place where believers gather to worship together by singing and listening to preaching and teaching and to learning how to give and yadda, yadda, yadda, all that stuff.
I want to talk about one purpose church has served for me.
Church is where the fact that I am struggling slaps me full on in the face. When I am broken and in a dark place, church is the place where I see all the other people who aren't as broken as me. Yes, I realize that everyone has their problems, but lets face it, church is where people are pretty. Church is where everyone around me is happy.
Cognitively, I understand that other people have issues too. But emotionally, I have a difficult time connecting what I know with what I seem to see. I am not thinking of hypocrisy. That is not my discussion for today. At my old church I knew people well enough to know that they were going through hard times and yet the still had a genuine joy.
The part that is wrong, the part that is broken, is the dialogue inside me.
At the current church I attend, I'm still fairly new. I don't know the problems of the lady sitting next to me. I just know that she got here before me so she was on-time while I was late. I passed by her car and it was clean whereas mine is dirty. It's likely her house is in better shape than mine. She was not lazy and overslept like I did. Her hair is not frizzy, nor slightly wet because she didn't take the time to dry it, nor did she forget to put on her make-up. She's skinnier than me. When she smiles it reaches her eyes. Etc...at sonic speed.
This thinking is not healthy. We all know that comparison is the wrong thing to do. It is not wise. But it is a genuine glimpse of what goes on in my head when it's black in there.
"But when they measure themselves by one another
and compare themselves with one another,
they are without understanding."
2 Corinthians 10:12b (ESV)
The self-hatred can be on full tilt roar by the time I reach the parking lot on some Sunday mornings.
Thankfully, I haven't had any of these tortuous Sunday morning services lately. But today I am thankful for them. For one, something WAS broken inside me. The Holy Spirit used the torment of my thoughts to drive me towards Him and towards getting help. Getting help drove me towards healing.
If you're tormented by self-hatred and feeling inadequate, you are not alone.
Done for now.
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