Day 17: I am Thankful for Defenses

Healing can be scary.

You many think I'm crazy for saying that but it's true.  One facet of depression I've had is a chronic sense of disappointment.  Why?  Because if I'm prepared for disappointment then I won't get disappointed.  I'm not pessimistic at all.  (For today, bold = sarcasm font.)

It's a defense mechanism.

Defenses are not bad.  These walls we've built were a tool at one time to protect our hearts.  They were necessary and served a purpose.  But, as fallen humans, we tend to hold onto them much longer than we need to.

Time is considered by modern culture to be a downright magical force.  If given enough time, non-living matter become living.  Amoebic slime becomes monkey.  Time heals all wounds.  NOT.

Time does not heal emotional wounds.  Counselors say that the limbic system, the part of your brain that deals with emotion, is not even aware that time exists.

Have you ever over-reacted to a situation?  I know a girl, I'll call her "Mary," that suffered childhood abuse.  She's now an adult who hasn't encountered physical abuse in decades.  Mary got into a verbal argument "Brian" three years ago.  Mary still talks about the time Brian attacked her to such description that someone listening to the story might think that Brian actually hit her.  Brian did no such thing.  Brian simply had an argument with her.  Brian is completely unaware that Mary still views him so negatively.

What happened is that Mary's limbic system simply saw "threat."  She emotionally reacted to the situation as if it was an abusive event.  Her limbic system had no idea that it had been decades since Mary was last abuse.

Defenses help us survive.  God gave them to us.  But once the traumatic event has left we need to let go of them or we are going to miss out on life.

My big defense: stay down.  I keep myself emotionally down.  I think of myself as bad.  Because then it won't hurt as much when someone lets me know that I'm bad.  "Duh, I already knew that."

But as I refuse to let my defense go, I block out life.  I don't try achieve.  I give up before I start.

Depression has been my magnifying glass, exposing and clarifying exactly which defenses I need to let go.  As I'm struggling, I've had to ask God what it is I'm fighting against.  What is my heart needing to release?

"You can go to God Most High to hide.

You can go to God All-Powerful for protection.

I say to the Lord, 'You are my place of safety, my fortress.

My God, I trust in You.'

God will save you from hidden dangers

and from deadly diseases.

You can go to him for protection.

He will cover you like a bird spreading its wings over its babies.

You can trust him to surround you and protect you like a shield."  

Psalm 91:1-4 (ERV)

As my defenses fall away I am left plain.  This exposure is terrifying but I must learn to let God be my Defender.  I am just beginning to figure out how to surrender my battles and scars to Him but a couple of things I've discovered along the journey:

• He can defend me in a way that won't harm others or myself.  
• I've found as I've started to trust God with my defense, that bad things still happen. (Shocking!) But He's holding my heart so I'm able to see the scary with His eyes, His perspective.  Situations are no longer bigger than they actually are.  No more panic.  No more terror.  

If you find yourself over-reacting, stop and take stock.  What are you REALLY scared of?  Who are you really fighting against?  Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you away from your own defenses and ask Him to be your Defender instead.