I'm not one of those people because I know exactly where I would have ended up. I would have been one of two places. It's likely I would have ended up in a mental institution. It is honestly more likely I would have been dead from suicide.
I've noticed several reasons people commit or contemplate endings one's own life:
1. PAIN - Pain can be emotional. When depression has given you nothing but pain for weeks, months, years or decades, you can begin to feel that there is no other option for you in life but to hurt. And there are times when I just wanted the pain.to.stop. I didn't care how. I just needed it to stop.
Pain can be physical. I went through an illness where I had intense pain across my chest for several months. All tests turned out to show nothing abnormal. I was finally put on a new anti-depressant to see if it was in my head. I was given a diagnosis of fibromyalgia even though my symptoms didn't match those listed in the brochure at all. I would kneel on the floor and lean over the couch & just rock. I was on narcotic pain killers. It was a constant grinding that wore me down until I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I finally got a proper diagnosis and was given, get this, Aleeve. I was functional again in a matter of days. Because I finally found a doctor that was able to diagnose the correct problem. This was about a 4 month period of constant pain. I can only imagine what people feel when they are in pain for years.
2. ANGER - I have to admit that there are times when I thought of my own death as the perfect way to show this person or that person just how much they hurt me. Then they would finally understand how they made me feel. It wasn't as clearly defined as those two sentences when it was roaring through my brain, but that's unltimately what I wanted. I wanted to give a big giant finger to the person who hurt me.
I didn't even realize that's what I was wanting until I watched a good friend of mine traverse several suicide attempts from her husband. From the outside, I could see in him what I couldn't see in me. I watched what his attempts did to her and her children and knew that no matter how angry I was inside, my loved ones didn't deserve that kind of revenge.
3. FEAR - Fear can incapacitate. Sometimes, my fear of the future or financial ruin was so terrifying that the thought of death was less scary. I know that this is thinking is messed up, but like I've already said many times, I was broken. I knew that if I was dead, then I wouldn't have to face these troubles anymore. I wouldn't have to struggle anymore.
No matter what sick reasoning I was using, it all came to same ending:
DESPAIR - There was the belief that life could not get better.
I never quite got up the "courage" to honestly try to commit suicide. And sadly, there were times that I thought it made me pathetic and weak because I was afraid of the pain of dying. When anyone is in that much darkness, the thinking is so contorted.
I now know that God was holding me together. The only reason I was able to see suicide for what it was is because the Holy Spirit was working in my heart. I was held together by Him.
Eventually, suicide was no longer a temptation. After watching how hard it was on my friend's family I knew that it just wasn't an option for me.
It's not an option for you either.
More than a decade later, I now know that life does get better...for a time. There are ebbs & flows. There are hills and valleys. There's a high tide and a low tide. No matter how bad it is, it will change.
Visiting some of my old thoughts is exhausting, so I'm done for now.
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